Word For It. . .

2Chronicles7:14-“If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.”

Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Dog Errand (Jokes)

Posted by wordforit on April 19, 2008

*Dog Errand*

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.

He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.”

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog’s mouth there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog’s mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it’s closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. It does, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog goes and looks at the number, notices it is the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

There’s no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What on earth are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for goodness sake!”

To which the guy responds, “Clever, my foot. This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”

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*4 Year Ceiling*

A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country’s greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old woman with her. At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling.

“Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted.”

“Oh my”, the grandmother says. “He and I must have the same landlord.”

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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Alex.” 

“Good morning Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque.

“Pastor, what is this?” he asked.The pastor said, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, “Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?”

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Posted in Christianity, family, humor, jokes | 1 Comment »

Creation vs Evolution has been settled!

Posted by wordforit on March 7, 2008

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race come about?”

The Mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve; they had children, then all mankind was made”.

A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them”.

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God, and Papa says we developed from monkeys”?

The Mother answers, “Well, dear, it’s very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side”.

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Posted in Christianity, culture, current events, daily life, family, God, humor, jokes, Life | Leave a Comment »

Why? Why? Why?

Posted by wordforit on March 7, 2008

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe it when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, “That really hurt! You should watch where you’re going!”  (Remember, it’s a joke!!)

Why is it that whenever we attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table we always manage to knock something else over?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

And the FAVORITE. . .

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.

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Posted in daily life, family, humor, jokes, Life | 2 Comments »