Jokes You Can Tell to Anyone
Posted by wordforit on February 2, 2008
A strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in the house Baptist. They were going to make it look and feel Baptist through and through. So when they were finished they went to a petshop to look for a Baptist dog.
They asked the owner, “Do you have a Baptist dog?”
Surprised, the petshop owner thought about it for a while and then nodded, saying, “Yes… yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your description.”
So the owner brought out the dog to the family, and the father said, “Let’s see if this is a real Baptist dog.” So the father said to the dog, “Go get a Bible.”
And the dog ran over to a table, grabbed a Bible in its mouth, ran back to the man and plopped the book at his feet.
Impressed, the father continued, “Let’s see if this dog knows its books of the Bible… Turn to Psalm 23”.
The dog then opened the Bible with its snout and pawed through the pages to Psalm 23.
Very pleased, the father bought the dog and brought it home. The next day, the family had visitors. They showed their friends the Baptist dog and the things it could do.
Finally, the friends asked, “Well, can it do any other tricks that normal dogs do?”
The Baptist father wondered and said, “Hmm, I don’t know. I’ve never tried.” He then ordered the dog, “Heel.”
Suddenly the dog leaped onto the father’s lap and placed its paw on the man’s head and started to pray.
“Wait a minute!” exclaimed the Baptist mother, “This dog isn’t Baptist! It’s Pentecostal!”
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks,
“Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied,
“Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said,
“So, Mama, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH:
10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians … and you check the table of contents.
9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60’s.
8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.
5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn’t listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.
4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: “Who gave you this stuff?”
3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: “Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors.”
In celebration of the complexities of the English language, we bring you the following: Lets face it English is a ridiculous language.
There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted but if we examine its paradoxes we find:- that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught, why didn’t the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables why don’t humanitarians eat human!?
Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day and as cold as hell on another?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language:- whereby a house can burn up as it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out. A bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn’t a race at all)
Pastor Walters,” announced little Johnny, “there’s somethin’ I can’t figger out.” “What’s that Johnny?” asked Pastor Walters.
“Well accordin’ to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”
“An’ the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?”
“An’ the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?”
“Again you’re right.”
“An’ the Children of Israel fought the ‘gyptians, an’ the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an’ the Children of Israel wuz always doin’ somethin’ important, right?”
“All that is right, too,” agreed Pastor Walters. “So what’s your question?”
“What I wanna know is this,” demanded Johnny. “What was all the grown-ups doin?”
1) A man’s character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash
2) K-Mart isn’t the only saving place!
3) Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary
4) Delay is preferable to error
5) Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your bible
6) It’s hard to stumble when you’re down on your knees
7) What part of THOU SHALT NOT don’t you understand?
8) A clear conscience makes a soft pillow
9) The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday
10) Can’t sleep? Try counting your blessings
11) Forbidden fruit creates many jams
12) Christians, keep the faith… But not from others!
At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith. “I’m a millionaire,” he said, “and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God’s work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today.”
He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him: “I dare you to do it again.”
An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. So they decided to do a small test.
They put a note on the front hall table that they had left. Around the note they put a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home.
The father told his wife, “If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible, he will be a pastor, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I’m afraid our son will be a no-good drunkard.”
So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son read the note that they had left.
Then he took the ten-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the Bible, flipped through it, and put it under his arm.
Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.
The father slapped his forehead and said: “This is worse than I could ever have imagined!”
“What? asked the wife.
“Our son is going to be a politician!”
Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.